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Newt n' Herm: Coming Soon to the Hell Octoplex

Newt n' Herm: Coming Soon to the Hell Octoplex




It was absolute genius. I knew it the moment I thought of it. Oh I know, I know that's not the humblest of statements, but hell I'm pretty damn sure Edison, Einstein and Leonard Bernstein all knew when they were on their game, so why not me? When the moment comes, you don't mistake it for anything else. One may only have four or five such moments in one's life, when you just know that your thoughts have aligned pertfectly with the universe. Aiin't life grand?

The moment the news came across that Herman Cain had endorsed Newt Gingrich - as a Presidential candidate NOT as a fellow skirt hound - I knew that there was high comedy to be made of this pairing. The man who wants a village on the moon, with the man who never saw a moon he didn't like. I want the film rights.

Now one might think that this is just another flash-in-the-pan story in this the most Gods Must be Crazy as Fruit Bats election year, but I'm willing to wager this one's got legs. Never in my living memory of American politics, nor any era I have ever read about, there has never been such a bizarre set of characters being taken...seriously. People are going to want to look back on this the way they do the Alamo or Pearl Harbour or the day Kennedy was shot and seek answers to why this atrocity occurred.

Truly, something has been slipped into the water of the ocean body politic. Vast swaths of the Democratic Party, such as it is an that being a collective group dominated by amnesiacs who have forgotten their liberal history, don’t trust Obama one little bit. That swath is composed of the non-amnesiacs. Still, he’s the horse they’re riding and if he doesn’t win in November I’ll eat my Aunt Nancy’s Ottoman. Cat fur included.

In response to which the Republicans have offered comedy. The leading contender is Romney whose policies as Governor of Massachusetts closely parallel the present-day domestic policies of Obama, is a former executive with an investment bank in a year when that is not the most charmed of professions in the public view. And he’s going to win the nomination.

Well who else would? Certainly not Gingrich. Good God, Howard Dean screams once and is vanished, while Gingrich gurgles on about things he will accomplish in his second term. So he wants to hold his own option to renew, as it were. You want the good stuff, you elect me twice. No, he is much better remembered for his part in this nearly hallucinogenic cast of characters. The only writer in history capable of properly capable of recording this circus was Lewis Carroll.

Which is why it should be a movie. See it! Say it! Feel the words! Feel that smile starting on your face! Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer proudly present:

Newt n’ Herm: Cruisin’ 4 Chicks

All right, we may not get The New Yorker crowd but the late Pauline Kael might well have loved it. Better yet is the marketing line: “You can’t spell GrOPe without the GOP!”

Effectively we’re talking about Duck Soup meets Life of Brian in sheer anarchic comedy. Better yet, it’s Springtime for Hitler. (Now fess up - you’ve always wanted to see the full show, not just the one chorus number and Dick Shawn writhing around the stage. Don’t even talk to me about the plodding re-make unless it’s to say, ‘Wasn’t that a plodding remake?’)

The plot’s easy enough to understand. In the post-2012 election period, we follow these two randy geezers - one black and one white are as metaphorically as tied together as Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier were by handcuffs in The Defiant Ones. We follow them as they follow through on their greatest desire - to have it off with more women than Frank Sinatra ever dreamt of. And they aren’t fussy. If it moves they groove.

The problem of course is that they’re terrible at it. No one wants to sleep with the geezers. They’ve lost. Finally they go to their god, as played by Henry Kissinger to ask what to do. He reminds them that ‘Power is an aphrodisiac’. Without being close to power, a wheelbarrow of oysters, ginseng and Just for Men isn’t going to get it done. So what woman then becomes a viable target?

Hilary Clinton. Bill’s agreeable. He even lets them know when he’ll be out of the country and how to mix Hilary’s favourite relaxant of Crown Royal and four cubes of ice. Their pursuit of Hilary leads to such hijinx, why even the cat will laugh! that will get the Facebook crowd in the door. The other marketing line:

Even Your Cat Will Laugh!

You know how Facebook people love to share pictures of cats. I suspect it’s because dogs mean you have to step outside regularly, often at the dog’s persuasive insistence.

Newt n’ Herm need to have dog. They’ll name him Hound. Would you expect anything else? The dog’s voice will be portrayed by Burt Reynolds. Or Shatner. Bill Shatner is always gold in bizarre situations. We can give the dog a toupee. That would work for both casting ideas; just need to change the style of the canine cranium covering.

And more on the casting! For Herman Cain there only is one choice: Eddie Murphy. He may have already done research into the character. I must do some heavy-duty research by checking the archives of TMZ and Gawker to find out. (I guess he probably wouldn’t take the part if we had a joke about transvestite hookers. Maybe it can be something that happens to Newt. That way Herm laughing at him would get the marks in the audience nudging each other and whispering, ‘that’s an inside joke eh?’)

As for Newt - a bit tougher. Finally a friend of mine on Facebook - who as she has to make a living in this world may not wish to be personally associated with this insanity - suggested Seymour Philip Hoffman. Works for me. It takes a strong man to play a slug.

Or, you know, if Disney has alternative castings in mind...

Now on to the strong women. Every major woman’s part has to be played by a current or retired women’s wrestler. I’m very fond of the wrestling profession and these women deserve their red carpet night. And they can definitely act. Many of them have had to pretend tan attraction to Vince McMahon on television.

There are five million individuals a week who watch wrestling on television, yes to this day. Get those five million out to buy a ticket plus an equal number there for the comedy and curiousity and we’re in profit. While we’re at it, let’s get the great Mick Foley in the cast as Newt n’ Herm’s chauffeur. Every time the aging bromancers get in the car, Foley’s in a different character.

For the part of Hillary Clinton? It has to be wrestler April Hunter. We’re going to need someone good-looking who can also throw Newt n’ Herm through a table at the end of the picture. Then we cut to Kissinger doing the Porky Pig line: ‘Dot’s awl Volks!’

Now that’s a movie!

Aku Pelacur, tapi Bukan Wanita Panggilan

Cerpen. Jangan membayangkan sosokku seperti pelacur pada umumnya, yaitu dengan pakaian sexi dan menggoda, aku berpenampilan sangat sopan dan tampak sangat religi, aku juga tidak akan bisa di temukan di panti pijat atau di rumah bordil, carilah aku di rumah ibadah di sebuah gereja, karena aku aktivis di sana, dan aku juga ikut bergabung dengan anggota paduan suara dan selalu menyanyikan

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Let's Talk About Depression

Politics for Joe
January 27, 2012
By: Hubert O’Hearn
For: Lake Superior News


On Depression

This is a different sort of political column. We’re not going to be discussing who’s going to win the NDP leadership, what Stephen Harper may or may not be doing to the country, or the ways in which Northwestern Ontario is treated like a feeder colony by the government at Queen’s Park. All worthy topics; just not right now.

You see, we’re going to talk about politics right at its most absolute root level - the individual. That’s you and me and that guy I see out the window shoveling off his front steps. Politics is a discussion amongst individuals for the purpose of creating a state that is more perfect, safer and healthier than it is today. It is a discussion about health. So let us look at health today and in particular the issue of Depression.

Click.

You don’t want to read about that.

Of course you don’t. Depression is after all a condition described thusly by Clinical Psychologist Marie Murray in the Irish Times:

DEPRESSION depletes those who suffer from it. The weight of it, the lack of energy, the light gone out of life drains happiness away. There is anxiety and emptiness. There is loss of everything that was once enjoyed. There are feelings of failure, social withdrawal and loneliness, listlessness and isolation, and those terrible twin emotions of helplessness and hopelessness. Everything seems to be pointless including living.
Often there are physical pains, headaches, stomach aches, the exhaustion of disturbed sleep, feelings of being unwell, of a body in too much misery with a mind that is racing in never-ending circles of despair.

So why on Earth do I want you to read about it, think about it, perhaps even act upon it? After all, how many people are we talking about here?

Statistics are notoriously difficult to compile on this subject, mainly because sufferers actually have to seek treatment in order for inclusion in the number. By that standard, there are 9 million Depressed individuals in the U.S. That would be about 2.5% of the population, give or take. On the other hand, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 36% of Canadians admit to having suffered from Depression themselves. Assuming that the mental health of Americans and Canadians is roughly the same - I see no reason for a huge divergence there - what do those numbers tell us? Less than 10% of the people with a debilitating illness seek professional diagnosis and treatment.

Wow.

But then, what is Depression? How is it different from just ‘having a bad day’ or being ‘down in the dumps’? Before we proceed, I want you to do something. And I really really want you to do this because my gut tells me it might save some lives. I want you to take the Depression test at Depressionhurts.ca The link will take you straight there. I’ll be here when you get back.

How did you do? What was your impact score? I’m going to share mine with you: 7 out of 10 which rates as High Impact. It used to be even higher and not very long ago at all it was 9. Yes, I suffer from Depression.

What Depression is, according to the World Health Organization is:

a common mental disorder that presents with depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. These problems can become chronic or recurrent and lead to substantial impairments in an individual's ability to take care of his or her everyday responsibilities. At its worst, depression can lead to suicide, a tragic fatality associated with the loss of about 850 000 lives every year.
Depression is the leading cause of disability as measured by YLDs and the 4th  leading contributor to the global burden of disease (DALYs) in 2000. By the year 2020, depression is projected to reach 2nd place of the ranking of DALYs calcuated for all ages, both sexes. Today, depression is already the 2nd cause of DALYs in the age category 15-44 years for both sexes combined.

It’s all around us. The ex-NHLer Wade Belak committed suicide because of it. The manager of the Wales national football team Gary Speed committed suicide because of it. Maybe someone you know who wasn’t a famous athlete committed suicide because of it.

And yet we don’t talk about it. Colleagues and co-workers will regale you with tales of toothaches, backaches, headaches and heartaches; Depression? Not a word. The stigma seems to be that Depression is something you should be able to ‘get over’ as though there is an internal Cheer Up! switch that can be turned on at will.

The nefarious aspect is that in some ways that light switch does exist. This is why the suicides of people like Belak or Speed come as such a shock. The day before he was found hanging in his garage, Speed had been on a UK football telecast, laughing, joking, doing analysis, looking and sounding great! How can that possibly be? Was it all just an act?

It’s not an act. It is a different reality. Talk show host Dick Cavett talked about it in his book Caveat Cavett. He would do an episode of his show, be affable, quick and funny...then go home and be absolutely numb. He realized after a time, and novelist William Saroyan had the same experience, that there were months of his life that he could not recall. During the taping of the show, Cavett’s mind was on that, not on himself. Gary Speed’s mind was on football. After the show was over, the thoughts return to the self and the sickness resumes its dominant place.

The CTV television network is doing a very good thing this February 8th. The host of TSN’s Off the Record, Michael Landsberg will be hosting and appearing in a documentary called DARKNESS AND HOPE: DEPRESSION, SPORTS AND ME. This is part of Bell Let’s Talk Day; a day devoted to discussion of this topic. And yes, Landsberg too has suffered from Depression.

Here’s the last thing to share with you, direct from my own battle. You may not know you have Depression until you’re deeply into it. If you break your arm, you know it right away; your consciousness however tends to hide away. Just be aware that if you have experienced a major life trauma (and this is my story, not everyone’s) that can trigger Depression. The best advice I can give to you is to expect it. So if you lose your job, your spouse, someone near to you dies or becomes seriously ill, expect Depression. Go for help right away before it grabs you by the throat and starts pulling you down under the dark water. If you don’t become Depressed - great. I couldn’t be happier for you and I couldn’t care less that maybe you’ve contributed a couple of thousand dollars to Ontario’s deficit by seeking unneeded treatment. I’d rather have you alive.

February 8th. Don’t forget that date. I know I can’t.

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