It was absolute genius. I knew it the moment I thought of it. Oh I know, I know that's not the humblest of statements, but hell I'm pretty damn sure Edison, Einstein and Leonard Bernstein all knew when they were on their game, so why not me? When the moment comes, you don't mistake it for anything else. One may only have four or five such moments in one's life, when you just know that your thoughts have aligned pertfectly with the universe. Aiin't life grand?
The moment the news came across that Herman Cain had endorsed Newt Gingrich - as a Presidential candidate NOT as a fellow skirt hound - I knew that there was high comedy to be made of this pairing. The man who wants a village on the moon, with the man who never saw a moon he didn't like. I want the film rights.
Now one might think that this is just another flash-in-the-pan story in this the most Gods Must be Crazy as Fruit Bats election year, but I'm willing to wager this one's got legs. Never in my living memory of American politics, nor any era I have ever read about, there has never been such a bizarre set of characters being taken...seriously. People are going to want to look back on this the way they do the Alamo or Pearl Harbour or the day Kennedy was shot and seek answers to why this atrocity occurred.
Truly, something has been slipped into the water of the ocean body politic. Vast swaths of the Democratic Party, such as it is an that being a collective group dominated by amnesiacs who have forgotten their liberal history, don’t trust Obama one little bit. That swath is composed of the non-amnesiacs. Still, he’s the horse they’re riding and if he doesn’t win in November I’ll eat my Aunt Nancy’s Ottoman. Cat fur included.
In response to which the Republicans have offered comedy. The leading contender is Romney whose policies as Governor of Massachusetts closely parallel the present-day domestic policies of Obama, is a former executive with an investment bank in a year when that is not the most charmed of professions in the public view. And he’s going to win the nomination.
Well who else would? Certainly not Gingrich. Good God, Howard Dean screams once and is vanished, while Gingrich gurgles on about things he will accomplish in his second term. So he wants to hold his own option to renew, as it were. You want the good stuff, you elect me twice. No, he is much better remembered for his part in this nearly hallucinogenic cast of characters. The only writer in history capable of properly capable of recording this circus was Lewis Carroll.
Which is why it should be a movie. See it! Say it! Feel the words! Feel that smile starting on your face! Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer proudly present:
Newt n’ Herm: Cruisin’ 4 Chicks
All right, we may not get The New Yorker crowd but the late Pauline Kael might well have loved it. Better yet is the marketing line: “You can’t spell GrOPe without the GOP!”
Effectively we’re talking about Duck Soup meets Life of Brian in sheer anarchic comedy. Better yet, it’s Springtime for Hitler. (Now fess up - you’ve always wanted to see the full show, not just the one chorus number and Dick Shawn writhing around the stage. Don’t even talk to me about the plodding re-make unless it’s to say, ‘Wasn’t that a plodding remake?’)
The plot’s easy enough to understand. In the post-2012 election period, we follow these two randy geezers - one black and one white are as metaphorically as tied together as Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier were by handcuffs in The Defiant Ones. We follow them as they follow through on their greatest desire - to have it off with more women than Frank Sinatra ever dreamt of. And they aren’t fussy. If it moves they groove.
The problem of course is that they’re terrible at it. No one wants to sleep with the geezers. They’ve lost. Finally they go to their god, as played by Henry Kissinger to ask what to do. He reminds them that ‘Power is an aphrodisiac’. Without being close to power, a wheelbarrow of oysters, ginseng and Just for Men isn’t going to get it done. So what woman then becomes a viable target?
Hilary Clinton. Bill’s agreeable. He even lets them know when he’ll be out of the country and how to mix Hilary’s favourite relaxant of Crown Royal and four cubes of ice. Their pursuit of Hilary leads to such hijinx, why even the cat will laugh! that will get the Facebook crowd in the door. The other marketing line:
Even Your Cat Will Laugh!
You know how Facebook people love to share pictures of cats. I suspect it’s because dogs mean you have to step outside regularly, often at the dog’s persuasive insistence.
Newt n’ Herm need to have dog. They’ll name him Hound. Would you expect anything else? The dog’s voice will be portrayed by Burt Reynolds. Or Shatner. Bill Shatner is always gold in bizarre situations. We can give the dog a toupee. That would work for both casting ideas; just need to change the style of the canine cranium covering.
And more on the casting! For Herman Cain there only is one choice: Eddie Murphy. He may have already done research into the character. I must do some heavy-duty research by checking the archives of TMZ and Gawker to find out. (I guess he probably wouldn’t take the part if we had a joke about transvestite hookers. Maybe it can be something that happens to Newt. That way Herm laughing at him would get the marks in the audience nudging each other and whispering, ‘that’s an inside joke eh?’)
As for Newt - a bit tougher. Finally a friend of mine on Facebook - who as she has to make a living in this world may not wish to be personally associated with this insanity - suggested Seymour Philip Hoffman. Works for me. It takes a strong man to play a slug.
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| Or, you know, if Disney has alternative castings in mind... |
Now on to the strong women. Every major woman’s part has to be played by a current or retired women’s wrestler. I’m very fond of the wrestling profession and these women deserve their red carpet night. And they can definitely act. Many of them have had to pretend tan attraction to Vince McMahon on television.
There are five million individuals a week who watch wrestling on television, yes to this day. Get those five million out to buy a ticket plus an equal number there for the comedy and curiousity and we’re in profit. While we’re at it, let’s get the great Mick Foley in the cast as Newt n’ Herm’s chauffeur. Every time the aging bromancers get in the car, Foley’s in a different character.
For the part of Hillary Clinton? It has to be wrestler April Hunter. We’re going to need someone good-looking who can also throw Newt n’ Herm through a table at the end of the picture. Then we cut to Kissinger doing the Porky Pig line: ‘Dot’s awl Volks!’
Now that’s a movie!
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