How to be a Wise Guy World Cup Viewer

Well, Stevie's had experience holding trophies

I'll be honest with you (he says implying a change of view), starting Friday the 11th and for exactly one month after I am going to be the World Cup junkie to end all. I will be praying to see the Steven Gerrard that drove Liverpool to the Champions League Miracle in Istanbul in 2005 rather than the clearly depressed man playing for this year's version of Liverpool which is plagued by an  infestation of flat-broke American 'billionaires' in the owners' box. And Gerrard's the England captain with Rio Ferdinand out with knee knack.

Now, then, in return you be honest with me. Have you a random clue what any of the above was about? If no, then you have met pre-condition A for moving along with this column. This stuff is going to be way too basic for the serious footie fan who yearns for the day Jose Mourinho alights to manage his team to perfect, gem-like seasons. Pre-condition B is at least a mild curiousity as to why it is that your co-workers are driving about with little ethnic flags on their car antennae. 

The only real way of learning anything about a sport is by watching a game with someone who knows what the hell they're talking about. But in order to pry around in that person's brains, one needs to know what topics or questions to ask. Maybe don't lead with the one about, 'So if soccer and the NFL both have eleven men, why does the CFL hace twelve?' Your friend in the Manchester United short will clam up tighter than the Prime Minister's Office. 

Let's go through a few possibilities, your guide to seeming enough of a Wise Guy World Cup Viewer in order to actually become a ... er, wise guy World Cup viewer. We don't know when this opportunity will arise or who will be playing, so we'll cover several teams and people. And a pub would make a fine setting. 

England: 

    WHAT TO SAY: Well, it's pretty much a Sven-Goran Eriksson team, even after all of Capello's experiments, isn't it?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY: Think John Terry's had it off with any other player's girls?

France:

    WHAT TO SAY: Thierry Henry moving to MLS I hear. If his career's that shot, why's he still playing for France?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY (at least around me): I think Thierry Henry was quite clever getting away with that hand ball against Ireland.

Spain:

    WHAT TO SAY: It says a lot that the best pure central striker in the Premier League, Fernando Torres, has to fight to start and finish matches for Spain.

    WHAT NOT TO SAY (at least not around me): Gee, I guess L:iverpool must have missed that Xabi Alonso when they let him go to Madrid.

Leo Messi (Argentina):

    WHAT TO SAY: Do you think Messi is better than Maradona?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY: Not as good looking as that Cristiano Ronaldo, now is he?

Diego Maradona (Manager, Argentina):

    WHAT TO SAY: Does he keep his good players on the bench so they're fresh for the last ten minutes?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY (if you're sitting next to Diego Maradona): Do you think Messi is better than Maradona?

South Africa (host nation and automatic entrant):
    WHAT TO SAY: I guess there really can be victory in defeat, in terms of being gracious hosts.

    WHAT NOT TO SAY: Why do they let teams this bad play in the World Cup?

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