(I've been thinking about the concept of this story for no less than thirty years. It seeming unlikely that I would have any further fresh thoughts on the matter, it seems time to finally write it up. Cheers and enjoy!
- H)
FROM THE PERSONAL JOURNAL OF THE MINISTER OF PUBLIC VIOLENCE, August 19, 2018 11:45PM EDT
From all police and hospital reports across Canada, the third National Day of Argument Termination has gone exceedingly well. A surprising number of victims didn't even attempt fleeing, which certainly will have lowered the pick-up and clean-up costs of the previous two years. We will not know until all the final accounting is in regards that assumption, but instinct tells me that perhaps most of those who would make a run for it were eliminated in either Year One or Year Two.
There is also rather intriguing evidence indicating that the number of deaths has dropped considerably. The numbers below for 2018 are preliminary, and the sun hasn't set in Vancouver yet, but British Columbia was the last hold-out Province against the Free Murder Day so there may still be in-bred resistance by a large portion of its adult population. I still call it Free Murder Day, even though we dropped that working title when it was pointed out that it might have seemed, well, flippant about so serious matter as gunning real estate agents down in the middle of shopping malls. But it was simple, clean and descriptive.
Those Preliminary Numbers (2016 and 2017 minus Pacific Time Zone)
2016: 16,580 deaths (28 accidental)
2017: 14, 970 deaths (12 accidental - we really worked on Murder Safety last year and it paid off)
2018: 8,269 deaths (only 4 accidental with 8 in Critical Condition, so if one pulls through we'll beat last year's numbers)
One must conclude then that the program has proven a success. Uniquely among government programs, the NDAT or Free Murder Day can define growth by a decreasing use of its service. The better it works, the less it costs. Additionally, as we have both the final crime statistics of 2017 in toto plus the first half of 2018 showing a sharp reduction in Criminal Code Offences as well as the virtual extinction of slander and libel suits in the Court system, the hoped-for social side effects have taken firm hold.
But as to my initial conjecture on this almost exactly 50% drop from Year One to Year three, I can't right now think of any other conclusion than - most of Canada's assholes got plugged the first two years. Which in our wildest dreams we thought would take a decade. One can make a pretty fair argument (with no intended slight to any other Ministry) that the NDAT is our most successful policy initiative.
It has all the hallmarks of a great government program. The concept is so simple that even a child could understand it. On one day a year, every Canadian adult citizen may legally murder one Canadian adult citizen of their choice at the time and place of their choosing during the date of August 19 - provided that the target is neither disabled nor one's parent. We had to put that last clause in to pacify Nova Scotia. They worried that Free Murder Day would disrupt the family unit. We may be able to go back to the Constitutional table on this one. The improving numbers have to be putting dissenting minds at ease. Although we would probably have a one year spike if we allowed patricide and matricide.
And there too, the spike may not be all that extreme. In most cases, the adult child would usually only want to murder one parent. And within those cases where the desire to cash the Argument Termination Ticket on a parent because of an abuse situation, usually the non-targeted/abused parent has already murdered the abusive parent.
This has of course had a harshly detrimental effect on divorce lawyers. The ability to remove the problem spouse without fees beyond a couple of shells or a dose of arsenic or cyanide (people seem to like the classic poisons) has greatly reduced the number of divorce filings. And those that have filed, according to a study gathered and published by the Law Society of Upper Canada, are settled with far fewer billable hours. Child custody can still be a battle zone, but property and support settlements are often accomplished in minutes. If we are criticized for this, I suggest that our response as a government should be that now the divorce lawyers can apply their years of legal study and knowledge towards accomplishing something that improves life rather than simply wallowing in it. I think we can dare to insult divorce lawyers. It would be unlikely to negatively impact our poll numbers with the greater public.
My thought tonight is that we really should do more for one man. When the hour was darkest, when the Prime Minister and the Premiers met through the night at the old Railway Station in downtown Ottawa, an impasse on the 'moral question' was finally broken. We had at least reached the impasse when at first it looked like we only had the support of Ontario (and even then only its Northern MPs and MPPs were in unanimous support) and the Prairies, the Big Gun Sport provinces. Our logic was reaching them. The main points:
- increased civility in the home and the workplace
- racism, if not eliminated, as least taken so far underground as to be invisible
- less consumer fraud, particularly in the big ticket markets of housing, automobiles and financial investments
- a boost to the gun, ammunition and pharmaceutical industries
- increased tourism, as witnessing the capping of Canadians would take its place with running with the bulls at Pamplona.
We had the logistics worked out. The intended victim would be notified by court service no less than one week before August 19. (Picking the date was such a headache. We didn't want it too close to the other major holidays, but Labour Day coming shortly meant that the murderers could take a little break and vacation off any guilt residue.) At the time of service, a GPS anklet would be attached, preventing flight. It would alert the authorities if the Victim to Be came within .5K of the Announced Murderer and similarly would prevent effective flight.
(Speaking of that, we've had a report from around Kenora that one V2B trying to hide in the woods was shot and killed not by his AM, but rather by two American moose hunter poaching out of season. They have been duly arrested and charged. The Rainy River District Office of the Ministry of Violence did decide that the AM would not be given a second Ticket, as the rule on notofication tike would be broken. There's always next year.)
Despite all that there was still the V Factor. V for vengeance. It wasn't the sensibility of the idea that bothered the Premiers, it was the damned morality. As though a government should be involved in legislating morality! Morality is up to a person's individual conscience and that conscience should be respected by the state. But try and tell a probably pot-smoking Premier Walton Gym from B.C. that.
And that is where Cardinal O'Mara from Toronto saved our bacon and our bill. When he stood at the pulpit (do Catholics stand at pulpits?) that Sunday morning and said, "While it is true that the Lord sayeth that 'Vengeance is Mine', the proposal being debated in Ottawa at this very hour does not seek to replace the Lord's Divine right to vengeance. Rather, this proposal seeks to deliver those upon whom vengeance should be meted out directly to the Lord." Good enough, people said, and we carried the march and the day.
We need as a party and a government to do more for Cardinal O'Mara. I know that the Prime Minister leans towards having the Royal Canadian Mint design and strike the Stephen Harper Medal of Freedom and making O'Mara the first recipient. Really though - a medal? It might take years for the Harper to take its place of status beside or ahead of the Order of Canada or the Juno Award.
The Senate would be a sentence, not a reward. Being a Cardinal must be more pleasurable. So that is out of the question to me. I believe this brave man who dared to endorse murderous slaughter in the name of the Lord has proven himself worthy to be our next Governor-General. I'll bring it up at Cabinet tomorrow morning. Strike while the iron is hot. I wonder if anyone used that method today?
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