And They're Great Talking Cars Too

The shirts however leave something to be desired...

I’ve been reading Christopher Hitchens’ new memoir ‘Hitch-22.’ It’s a terrific book and I’ll have more to say about it at a future date. I find I don’t read as many biographies and autobiographies as I used to. This may be a result of advancement into what can be kindly termed, and as I’m doing the terming on my own life it’s going to be kindly, the Mature Years. For one eventually has a basic agreement with the biographer - the life written must be more interesting that the reader’s. And fame itself is not necessarily interesting in itself, which wipes out 75% of everything published: the guy who scored the thing that married the girl who sung the song when they made that movie and he got caught with that roomful of hookers. Who cares?

The interesting thing I’ve noticed over the years in the biographies of lives I have enjoyed - everyone from F. Scott Fitzgerald to Groucho Marx to Franklin Roosevelt (and it appears my prime time would have been a quarter century before I was born) is a strong common thread and Hitchens’ book is no exception. Their Moms make them.

Not that I would want it inferred that Dads can just sneak out the back door and go drown golf balls because they’re off the emotional hook. Not quite. But the fathers really only seem to be the ‘important’ parent when the child moves on in the father’s field: Kingsley to Martin Amis, Henry to Jane Fonda, Kennedys and Bushes in full supply. The Moms either open doors and furnish rooms of imagination in their childrens’ minds, or move like frigates under full sail into society or the social or political world and insist that the world will take her young ambassador seriously. The Queen has spoken.

Queens tended to have worked out better than Kings, generally speaking. In England, Elizabeth I firmly established the British Empire, Victoria saw it reach its greatest breadth, and Elizabeth II has overseen its dismantle in generally peaceful terms over the last six decades. Many a King was a fine General, granted; although they had to be for they were forever invading France every time there was a slow weekend coming up.

I’m not sure that series television has ever really captured the essence of that particular maternal role - the playful Socratic in the house, guiding the novice toward his or her destiny. There is a good reason for this: you would need at least a five year commitment from a network

Still, the TV Moms have had their Hall of Famers over the years. Wouldn’t you have loved Lucy for a Mom? Hey, you’d get a drum kit, lots of cool costumes and Superman’s going to show up at your birthday party. Or Shirley Partridge. Everybody in the family forms a band, if you’re the eldest brother you score like Frank Sinatra, if you’re the middle brother after you recover from years of brutal drug abuse and some jail time for bludgeoning a transvestite prostitute in Vegas you somehow still have a career.

Your ideal Mom might have been Carol Brady. Bring in to the family matched sets of siblings of the opposite sex, just in time to add an exquisite twist on the usual adolescent torture. On the other hand, if Mom maybe isn’t a whiz in the kitchen, that doesn’t matter. Your Carol Brady Mom has the smarts and wherewithal to hire a full-time live-in cook and housekeeper. Clean my room? And cost Alice her job? Are you insane!?

And then there’s our real Moms - the one that turned on an NFL championship game in December 1967 between the Packers and Cowboys and said, ‘I think you might enjoy watching football.’ Or the one that enjoyed playing along solving mysteries from Perry Mason to Columbo to Poirot to Morse. And the Mom that taught you about all those great old movies and stars that made you first fall in love with how first words, then words with images are put together into compelling stories. Or all of the above. Which is my Mom who turns 85 on Monday. Happy Birthday. Be seeing you.


(August 6 - I'm slightly amazed and completely flattered that this newspaper column of mine has been the most visited and shared posting of them all. Thank you. And feel free to share it with friends using the Facebook & Twitter up there on the left by the title. Cheers and I hope you're having a great summer!  - H)