Jumat, 09 Juli 2010

Fear and Loathing at the Thunder Bay Blues Festival

Robert Johnson: probably not accepting engagements this year
...the good Lord, TBaytel and wireless services willing, I'll be posting live from the Blues Festival from about 4:45PM today. Feel free to bookmark and share with anyone you know who is attending the Festival. I have this weird goal of getting a "That was awesome" chant going.

Either that or "Coca-Cola"!

Later ...

H




Jimmy gets nervous this time of year...
UPDATE: 2:50PM:  Having just woken up from a pre-Festival nap, it is easy to see that the Blues Fest's dark side has once again raised its visage. Sacrifice. Ritual sacrifice. Every year a harmonica player is tossed into a smoldering pyre of old swag T-shirts, melted guitar picks, and possibly the horns of a stag deer in order to ensure exactly the kind of broiling sun and electraglide in blue skies that make one look to the horizon for Lawrence of Arabia to come riding over a sand dune on a camel. If the harmonica player lives - perfect weather. If he screams, partly cloudy. If he weeps, rain.
      Shocked? Horrified? Well, it is the Blues after all.




UPDATE: 5:15PM


FINALLY! Damn Tbaytel and their rumoured wireless capabilities. Anyway. We're in. The place is crawling with more police than in past years but I'm sure there's still trouble to be had if one tries hard enough ... What? ... I mean - thank Heavens for the security and clean living of Canada!

Crowd arriving steady trickle. No music yet. Will keep you posted - I hope.

Best news so far - free Nacho chips.

Better - Mark Potvin is on. Granted he's about as bluesy (in the classic, two packs of smokes and a guitar named Lucille sense) as Glenn Miller but ...why are the Thunder Bay bands always the 'curtain jerkers?'

UPDATE 7:57PM










Well that was awkward. You could tell something was up when the Community Auditorium's Bob Halvorsen did not have his usual happy smile on his usual happy face. And good reason. The announcement was made by Mark Potvin at 6:20PM that the second act of the opening evening of the 9th Annual Thunder Bay Blues Festival, Michael Burks could not make it across the border. Surely a tire issue. Who would ever think anything different? And it's not like this hasn't happened before, albeit infrequently.

It was fortunate for Potvin that things worked out that way. His brand of quasi-Big Band blues was given the extended showcase it deserved rather than the usual curtain jerker spot reserved for Northwestern Ontario acts. And personally I've never found one hour to be quite enough time for an audience to settle in and discover a band's flow.

The first evening represented a gathering of the clans as familiar faces were picked out, general foraging and grazing went on at the concession booths (Fox on the Run Beef on a Bun? Not only rhyme-worthy but tasty too).

As always the weather cooperated with a gentle breeze breaking a heat that threatened to be intolerable. Then again, every one of the six Blues Festivals I have covered has had letter perfect weather. I suspect sacrifices are involved. I will investigate further and report back tomorrow.

Saturday promises to be an extra-special day, beginning with my favourite of Thunder Bay Blues Bands - Slap Johnson and the Trowellers. They hit the stage at noon and  Blues Traveler wraps it up in the headline spot. But be prepared to be blown away by Ana Popovic at 6:15, my pick for the artist that will be the show-stopper of 2010. Be there - aloha!

UPDATE: 11:29PM Closing Thoughts on the First Day


It is pleasantly coincidental that a very soft Irish mist of a summer's night just started to fall, leaving just enough time for a non-straggling Blues Fest patron to make it to bus, car and home; or to have found a safe and welcoming tavern at which to enjoy the Blues Walk.

Tomorrow we will look at the Blues Walk on this blog. Tonight would have been ... well, fours of sleep is good for most men on occasion but no good for any man on all occasions. Tomorrow will be time enough for that jam-packed joyful madness.
hard at work ignoring cigarette by-laws amidst merry clouds of marijuana

It has always struck me, ever since the Blues Walk began at almost all the north side clubs and bars, as a sort of weird prissiness on the Blues Fest's part that the latter chooses to ignore the former. The truth of it, as I understand it, is that as Fest and Walk have always had different promoters, the Festians have looked at the Walkurgers as somehow poaching on the Holy Land. For instance, I heard more than one person ask another  if Albert Cummings was playing after the Blues Fest closed and if so where? There was not a shred or hint of advertisement to be found anywhere on the Marina Park grounds to indicate the bookings of the private hospitality houses. This of course disregards the fact that those self-same businesses pay the taxes that go to renovate and hopefully not thoroughly muck up the stunning waterfront that God granted this area as a trade-off for winter, muskeg, flies and isolation. Yay water.

Point being - and here we have evidence of the freedom of the blog as opposed to the newspaper - the Blues Festival needs to get its head out of its arse and realize that the Blues Walk makes the Blues Fest more attractive to ticket-buyers, not less. It's a perfect synergistic relationship to go from sun and sunset and rhapsody in pink outdoors to the tight rooms where all this Blues stuff was perfected in the first place.

(You can't, or at least I can't put that thought in teh Chronicle-Journal. You put something in a newspaper, even a relatively mild criticism of an audaciously successful, well-run event and it becomes a political 'thing'. And I in no way want to hurt the Blues Festival.)


I mentioned Albert Cummings. I also mentioned in an earlier posting that I liked the extended set. Well, the 41 year old guitarist and singer also got an extended set and he took full advantage. It was a brilliants et. To give you a sense of it, Cummings built to encores of Led Zeppelin's Rock and Roll, followed by Cummings' take on Stevie Ray Vaughan's version of Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child. He let the energy drop in the last two minutes of the Hendrix number, which was a shame. The audience relaxed and therefore did not thunder him off the stage as they would have done ... two minutes previously. He impressed the hell out of me. And the way the audience perked for the two songs mentioned does make me wonder if Thunder Bay's secret desire is to have an outdoor rock concert of 5-6,000 per night with acts of equivalent marquee appeal to those offered by the Blues. However, Thunder Bay knows it can't afford twelve huge rock acts, so let's all love the Blues. Always wondered that. (Don't talk to me about the Dead Man's Tour at the  Fort or the Casino - those are breaks between shopping mall openings.)


The headliner, Robert Randolph, was okay. If you liked his version of Prince meets Robert Johnson while Jesus plays bass, then you were really happy. Not my thing, but I applaud the execution. Which makes me sound like a Republican Governor. So on that note - Aloha!

DAY TWO - Power Restored!


1:12PM Update


It figures. I left the Blues Fest last night about 10:30PM. At 10:36 the power went out. But not to fear - a combination of Thunder Bay Hydro and the guts n' glory Auditorium crew put in a new transformer. Onwards.

The Trowelers did their usual solid set in the curtain jerker spot and now is the intermission before Big walter Smith.

Hoping to get an interview with Ana Popovic. And I highly recommend the Healthy Eating booth run by the George Jeffrey Children's Centre - so nice to have food that won't give you a heart attack!

Speaking of ... beer time. Later!

Updated: 2:52 PM


(working model of tomorrow's column...)






Blues Festival
Saturday, July 10 2010
B y: Hubert O’Hearn


The Thunder Bay Blues Festival had briefly threatened to become the Blues Festival Unplugged Festival when a transformer blew out at 10:38PM. Thanks to the hard work of a nine man crew pulled together by Thunder Bay Hydro and the assistance of the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium crack technicians, all systems were back up and running at 8:10AM Saturday. And Robert Randolph wasn’t all that great anyway.

One of the wonderful benefits of the waterfront site is that many, many more than 15,000 ticketbuyers are entertained annually. One tends to forget about what a musician friend of mine fondly calls the ‘gate crashers’ - those who live and work in the surrounding area. The former lake bed that forms the hills of the former city of Port Arthur also makes for a giant concert bowl effect. And even allowing for the usual cranky letter that appears annually from Dennis the Menace’s neighbour harping on about those darn kids and their wackety-wackety music ... for a lot of people it is a blessing.

I spent part of the afternoon sat in a lovely arbor in the back corner of the St. Joseph’s Hospital lot, with patients and staff enjoying the sound of Big Walter Smith rolling like a big warm wave up Red River Road. These patients are the people who have taken God’s best Sunday punch, been knocked down but don’t quit, don’t give up and will rise to fight again. They are the Blues in person and in wheelchair. And they happily send their thanks to all involved in giving them a little break from rehab to just sit back, relax and remind themselves of happy days to come.


Update: 4:47 PM
Joanne Shaw Taylor















Musically, the day experienced a solid build from long-time festival favouritesThe Trowellers followed by Big Walter Smith. Then came the first big pleasant surprise of the weekend in the person of Joanne Shaw Taylor on guitar and vocals. As one experienced musician said to me, “Any one can play fast, but you really have the goods if you can play fast and still hear all the notes.” It was definitely a positive sign when other musicians and off-duty techs poked their way out of show trailers to catch Taylor’s set.


UPDATE: 6:26PM




Ana Popovic




Following the latest travel glitch causing a last-second audible changing the booking order, the audience were treated - truly treated - by Ana Popovic. Here as last night, the change meant a longer set and more of a chance for both audience to understand and work with one another.

Popovic is the Bomb. Being a bombshell too doesn’t hurt, but her skills bear analysis. It’s the unfortunate fate for every white female blues singer to be compared to Janis Joplin. It’s extraordinarily unfair, but Popovic can carry the test further than virtually anyone else. Her voice has Janis’s growl and howl but she also has an upper range with a slightly sweet, grrrrrl appeal to it. Given her Belgrade origins, I listened for any accent waver and picked up none. Popovic is as likely to have been born in Bethesda as Belgrade for all the difference it would have made.

Saturday’s headliner was Blues Traveler, which explained the arrival of a packed audience even earlier than usual. And those who arrived early were treated by Joanne Shaw Talyor and Ana Popovic - acts of the Festival so far. And isn’t it nice that they’re both Eurpean women? Blues got legs. Aloha!


UPDATE: Day Two Summary - 12:15 AM Sunday


All Blues Festivals, indeed all festivals, indeed all great communal events become a narrative in some way in order to attain and retain memorable status. Today was an incredibly special day for me, and here again, this isn't a Chronicle piece - this is a blog piece.


It meant so much to me last year, when I renewed my daily Blues Fest coverage in order for Kimberly to experience it. As I've written before, it was rotten timing that we met when I was coming off my peak in theatre and entertainment writing. So at least I could share the whole joy of the Blues Festival with her.


This year, as I imagine readers know (if not, right click HERE.) Kimberly is recovering from a burst brain aneurysm suffered in February. Therefore, Amanda who is Kimberly's 21 year old daughter whom I truly love as my own for reasons which shall become obvious, got first dibs on my second VIP Pass.


I think she discovered something she loves today.


I'd mentioned that it would be a nice idea to bring along a camera. We'd send in any good shots to the newspaper and wouldn't it be cool if they ran one? Nice. Maybe get $25 out of the deal, or whatever the Chronicle paysfor freelance pictures.


So the first shots were of my friend Hugh Hamilton's band The Trowelers. He'll like that description, by the way. But he hates being written about, so don't tell him. But the first photographs from the very nice Nikon camera she borrowed from her boyfriend Ty were taken from a respectful distance. There were a few. One I thought was particularly nice but you would categorize them as snapshots.


Time goes on, bands come on. We've found the best spot on the whole grounds. A picnic bench behind the bushes under the trees stage right, very close to the VIP tent and its refreshments. It was lovely and cool on a skin blistering hot day. (Now forget I told you this - I don't need you horning in on my spot! But do visit.) And Hugh at with us and we looked over some shots Amanda had taken of Jimmy Thackery.. These were better and I showed her what angles I thought worked and what to avoid. Hugh - bless his dear, kind heart - told her she could go up in the tech tower and shoot from there. No telephoto lens however. Alas - but! - the encouragement for bravery was there.


Our VIP passes were not All Access. We did not have backstage access. Well, after Amanda had first tested the waters by going through the gate into the immediate downstage area, she then figured, 'oh what the hell' and went right backstage. Where she successfully took shots of Ana Popovic, Jimmyu Thackery and others.


And then - oh yes - these truly amusing older ladies we were sat with on the picnic bench - it came as quite a shock to the adult daughter of one of them that dear old Mom used to do mushrooms and freak out in the rose bushes that sat in front of the hospital in a small B.C. town - another of the not-so-extensively-personal ladies got a tip that the Stanley Cup had arrived and Patrick Sharpe of the Black Hawks was going to make a surprise visit with it on stage. Any. Minute. Now. News!


Now Amanda's pumped. There was no time to call Sandy Krasowski from the paper either. We had no way of downloading the pictures to my laptop and emailing them to the Chronicle. Shit. Okay, I told Amanda, you take the shot, I'll get a hold of the night editor and we'll run down to the newspaper, give them the picture and bang there you are front page. Slam dunk picture right? The two biggest things happening in town on Saturday from a happy news point of view were the Cup and the Blues and here they are together for your enjoyment.


Amanda does her end. By now she's fearless and also firing off the kind of rapid fire shots you need in order to grab the golden moment. She took not one or two, but 10 or 15 really plausible front page cover pictures. And I think I know a little bit about newspapers by now.


I do my end. I finally track down someone at the paper at about 10:10PM - last minute but not after last minute - tell them that we have the pic, we'll be right there, open the door -(it was loud, I'm not positive who, so I won't risk being wrong and speculating on who said the following) - and the response is ...


... oh that's okay. We'll put a line in your column about it.


Well, it was close to absolute deadline. And Amanda was undeterred in her ambition.


But back to the beautiful bits. So I'd also mentioned, fairly early on, 'By the way, if you have any really good shots, send them to the bands. They do buy them.' While I went up to the hospital to visit dear Kimberly, Amanda worked the backstage area like a seasoned pro. By the end of it Bob Halvorsen was giving Amanda his card because Bob wanted a particular backstage shot of he, his daughter, Sharpe and the Stanley Cup, Ana Popovic wanted copies of her pictures and ... they all must have liked Amanda because there's also some nice snaps of Amanda smiling with the band taken by the bass player.


Does the reader have the slightest inkling that as I write this I have tears in my eyes? Seeing my dear daughter get turned on by journalism - even if this is a five minute wonder (which I strongly doubt) - well ... I had the atom bomb of parental pride. Most of the readers I suspect are parents already and were from birth. So therefore, you've had those moments stretched out over years. Figure skating medals. School choir placement in the Festival. First dinner made. But when you've had the desire for such a moment to come along pent up inside like a thoroughbred left too long in the gate, when it then occurs it is a volcanic eruption of parental love and general glory in the fact that among mammals humans are one of the few that maintain social relationships with their children past adolescence.


Look, I don't know if this is going to be a life-long great hobby for Amanda - doing local entertainment photography - or hey, maybe she's Annie Leibovitz v.2. Regardless, and even if every act tomorrow gets busted at the border, this has been my favourite Blues Festival.


I'll post a link to the photos when I have one. She's got talent and she learned bloody quick.


On another note, it occurs to me that this last update is exactly the proof of my point about modern journalism. Regardless of the bit about not running the picture, some version of the above is an example of the kind of journalism I think a local paper needs. Is that immodest? I guess it has to be. But I have back-up.


90% of the papers in Canada would not run that kind of experiential story. Make that 95%. The percentage would be a whisker higher in the U.S. But in the UK? What? Why are you asking? If It's not personal it's boring.


I think The Walleye gets it. I was incredibly impressed by its first issue. It certainly beat the unholy hell out of any other entertainment tabloid in Thunder Bay's history. But I digress. as usual.


More tomorrow and thanks for listening.


P,S. Blues Traveler played a Charlie Daniels and a Cheap Trick song. But they did them very well!


Onwards!






Blues Fest Sunday
7-11-10
By: Hubert O’Hearn

Because of an incredibly weak wifi signal at Marina Park mixed with intermittent showers, thsi column is being written in a (cough) porta-potty. Adversity as well as necessity are the mothers of invention. But, we have much to cover. Awards specifically - our traditional year-end gongs, trophies and plaques. All of them are imaginary, but that way the recipients can imagine them any way they want. Onwards!

Entertainer of the Year - Candye Kane. What a delightful set she performed on Sunday afternoon. I'm specifically citing her as Entertainer of the Year because along with her massive voice and songwriting skills, she delivered an inspirational message that was fun. A survivor of many blows to her life - rough upbringing, divorce, cancer - she told the crowd to draw their strength from within, and have a helluva good time while doing it. Plus she played piano with her boobs. You play piano with your boobs, you get an award.

Instrumentalist of the Year - Such a tough call, but I have to put Albert Cummings from Friday night in here somewhere and he absolutely tore up the place. All of a sudden no one cared about Michael Burks' 'travel difficulties.'

Best Artist Promo - Nick Moss and the Flip Tops. Besides being an outstanding opening act for Sunday, Moss delivered a great promo introducing his song Tear it Down. He ripped the weird culture of North America in building up Michael Phelps, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus etc. to sky-high hype levels - then destroying them as soon as they slip up (or relax in Phelps' case).

The Show Stopper Award - Ana Popovic. You mark my words, the Blues guitar and singing ace is going to be pone the biggest Blues acts in the world any minute now. Her guest number with Blues Traveler alone earns her the Show Stopper trophy.

The 'I didn't know that was a Blues song' award - I want you to Want Me by Cheap Trick? Really? REALLY? Oh what the heck, Blues Traveler did a great job with it anyway.

Food of the Year - Again,a close call given all the excellently prepared variety, but I'm going with the Simpson Meat and Deli hot sausages. As big as a billy club and perfectly spiced.

Chief Wiggum Award - Our thanks go out to all police and security personnel for their rigid upholding of the laws against smoking, both cigarettes and marijuana. Praise be for such a clean venue, free of cancer and uncontrollable giggling.

Man of the Year - I've written a lot about Bob Halvorsen of the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium over the years. Sometimes Bob likes what I write, and sometimes not. But the man is to be admired and I always have. He has real guts in his booking decisions and he's never been afraid to seek advice. Frankly, no one has done more for the entertainment industry in this city than Bob and someday I'd like to see Beverly Street renamed Halvorsen Way. What is the Halvorsen way? Guts, risk, professionalism and he always gives credit where it is due. I look forward to the unveiling of the statue (perhaps an Iwo Jima type sculpture - Bob in blue jeans surrounded by the tech crew).

City of the Year - Thunder Bay. I was on the bus when out the side door could be seen a couple of older people huffing along, hauling along fold-up chairs. The bus driver stopped, asked if they were going to the Festival and they said yes. he told them to hop on. They were tourists and don't you think they're going to tell all their friends back home about this kind and helpful city? Two thumbs up Thunder Bay!

And a final note. I want to thank everyone who made this particular Blues Fest so great because it made an old journalist proud to see our daughter Amanda become a professional photographer. This Festival will always be special to me for that.

Aloha!

Rabu, 07 Juli 2010

World Cup Notes

Inside Television 509
Publication date: 7-9-10
By: Hubert O’Hearn


As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my June and July television viewing has been consumed by the World Cup. At the time of writing, Holland had won its semi-final with Spain-Germany still to come. As my original prediction was Spain-Holland with the Spanish to win, I’m calling this a successful World Cup on a personal basis.

On a larger scale, I truly think it has been the best, most intriguing World Cup ever. It has had strange waves to it - the horrific crash-outs of traditional powers Italy, France and, er, England which at least thinks of itself as a power - the disappointment amidst outstanding play by the Africans - the early South American dominance - and finally the South American implosion. It leads to an all-European final which has never happened off European soil.

So the tournament as a whole has had intrigue. And for once, television didn’t ‘over cover’ the story. I think what finally drew me to footie away from hockey and baseball is that baseball has become horribly over-produced. Give me the batting average, home runs, ribbies and on-base-percentage if you desperately feel the need. But don’t tell me Roscoe Jockitch is 3 for 8 with two men on, two out and facing a righthander. For one thing, your survey sample is so small as to be insignificant, and for another you’re making baseball fans feel like they’re in the company of drooling pencilneck geeks. And is that really the company you want to keep?

In contrast, footie lets the images tell the story with even the play-by-play plan Steve Banyard keeping to the background. And the images have been outstanding, particularly in the use of ultra-high definition slow motion replay during lulls or on tackles. Anyone who thinks the game isn’t physical needs to watch. Imagine going for a three mile run (plausible for a midfielder) while people periodically chop at your ankles with their cleats. Things have been cleaned up since the days when Vinnie Jones or Roy Keane would cripple players for the loose reason of revenge, but the risk factor still remains.

There has also been - and there’s no other way of putting this - the ‘good side’ of racism at play. Entire squads have lived up to national stereotyping. England played like a bunch of old C. Aubrey Smith generals still fighting the current war with the tactics of the last. France utterly dissolved in an occasionally foul-mouthed display of a gigantic miff. Mexico showed all the potential of a great team yet somehow managed to fuddle it all up. The Dutch bicker like a locker room full of super-models, yet they play the way super-models look. And so on.

Finally - because one can’t go on forever about this, and with barely having touched the grotesque incompetence of much of the officiating (Frank Lampard’s non-goal and Carlos Tevez’s knack of invisibility to the linesman) and the nonsensical debate after the Uruguay-Ghana game that goals should count even though they don’t cross lines, which disregards the fact that the rules were properly enforced, Ghana had two chances to win anyway, and didn’t.

But - really finally this time - would anyone have ever bet the parlay that perhaps the three best strikers in the world - Lionel Messi, Fernando Torres and Wayne Rooney would score precisely no goals (up to the time of writing in Torres’ case)? And Miroslav Klose might be the greatest striker of all-time. Go figure. Be seeing you.

Selasa, 06 Juli 2010

Thunder Bay Blues Festival Preview

Admit it - you're glad it's Ana Popovic and not Big Walter Smith


Culturally speaking, the Thunder Bay Blues Festival may well be the greatest success in the forty year history of its host city, in terms of annual short-run events. If the 9th Annual Festival, opening at 5PM this evening at Marina Park, is at like its eight predecessors it will feature absolute A list performers, electric sharp new acts, and well-behaved crowds that rise on the hills surrounding the yellow-and-white striped show tent, colourful T-shirts and hats mixing with the colours of a hot summer’s sunset clouds. Artistic success. Audience success. The swwet spot of the entertainment industry.

Perhaps best of all, the Thunder Bay Blues Festival has become very much a communal event, the sort that its people thrive in. At the very first Blues Festival, I remember chatting with former Mayor Ken Boshcoff - very much a powerful supporter of the Blues Festival from Day One, I might add. Boshcoff made the point, and I remember it vividly, that Thunder Bay could call itself the City of Festvals, for at that point there were 18 of them. From Dragon Boats to Italian Festivals to St. Urho, as a city we do run the gamut. And clearly they resonate with the Northwestern Ontario persona. With an annual attendance of 15,000, the Thunder Bay Blues Festival resonates like a well-plucked electric bass.

I idly asked on Facebook what people were most looking forward to at this year’s Festival. You would think it would be the beyond-legendary guitar maestro Taj Mahal, or perhaps Ana Popovic from that legendary Delta town of - um - Belgrade. Don’t laugh. Well, go ahead, but my gut instinct is that Popovic is going to be the hot act like David Gogo a few years ago. The one that leaves the audience talking about them.

You would think it would be the music, but it’s not. It’s the people, the community, the faces that are seen each year beneath the same flag in the same flat beach chair in the same spot since the days when Big Walter Smith was still just Little Wally Smith. It’s as though the town picnic from some Thornton Wilder piece has come to life next to a brilliant and cooling Lake Superior with a soundtrack of Jack Daniels fueled hurt, anger and loss. Sounds like a party to me, and 14,999 others.

Full credit always must go to Bob Halvorsen’s well-trained crew at the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium. Halvorsen has become a master booker, able to maintain the balance between audience comfort with older acts and audience excitement over new acts. And the wily veteran stage crew led by Rob Jardine on sound can handle with ease he many different styles and weather conditions tossed at them in short order.

The Chronicle-Journal will be reporting each day from the Blues Festival. Do stop by and share any thoughts or memories. I’m easy to spot. I’ll be the one hauling a laptop about in a black case on a hot day. Be seeing you!

Jumat, 02 Juli 2010

Politics for Joe - Chapter Two - A Grateful Nation Expresses its Grief

definitely not the Prime Minister

Politics for Joe
Chapter Two
A Grateful Nation Expresses its Grief


In the end, Walter decided to not drive the black Lexus, but instead take a taxi to the Cabinet Meeting. First impressions. Man of the people. No limo for him! (Not that hye had call for one anyway.)

Because the meeting would involve every ministry and department, it would not be held on Parliament Hill; instead the Government Conference Centre’s schedule had been cleared, so the blue and gold cab headed for the converted old railway station. That beautiful, stone, vaulted and pillared building went back to the Edwardian Age and Laurier. It occurred to Walter that this might even be the biggest constitutional crisis since the time of Sir Wilfrid Laurier.

‘What the hell were they going to do now?,’ Walter thought as they sped along the Queensway. The only cars passing them were media cars, which was fine by the taxi passenger as he damn well wanted the media there first.

But the government ... The leadership race was a given. The Liberal Party clearly needed a leader. Something interrupted Walter’s thoughts.

That interruption being me. Yes, it’s the Liberal Party of Canada and not some made-up wink, wink creation like the Constitutional Democrats of Canada, or perhaps the Progressive Social-Capitalists. Actually, that last one could work. It sounds wonky enough to have appeal to the frightened. But using a made-up Party then would mean changing the names of the other Parties, or adding another national party and then we’re in some strange Star Trek ‘Mirror, Mirror’ world which is not going to improve your enjoyment one shred. Screw it. It’s the Liberals. Names have been changed to protect the obvious. Back to Walter in the cab.

The situation, for once was being neatly encapsulated on CBC Radio by Don Newman, brought back once again out of retirement whenever the impoverished public network felt it needed an adult voice that bore knowledge. The Harper Conservatives had basically put CBC in a fiscal iron lung, and even though the Liberals were in their third year of power, they hadn’t done much to bring it back to life.

But Newman knew how to present a story. “The Liberals only had a working majority of one in combination with the NDP. Now that’s gone, at least until a by-election is held in Winnipeg Centre. But what do they do until then? Will they proroooooouge the House?” (Newman still rolled his vowels like round logs floating downstream to a B.C. sawmill.) “What will the public reaction be to that? Will the people be understanding and allow the Liberals time to re-configure themselves, or will puiblic opinion press towarrrrds a coalition with the New Democrats?”

When hell freezes over, thought the Secretary of State for National Unity. Walter didn’t have anything against the NDP. They’d had a grand time together in Opposition, they really did throw the best parties, and the NDP was useful as a sort of policy test marketing group. Whatever policies the NDP had that were proving really popular, the Liberals would just absorb, as they would the best of the Conservative ideas - not that the latter was a particularly large number. This formula had worked beautifully for decades - the Party’s slogan could well have been ‘We Sample the Best so You Don’t Have To!’ - it was a wonder they ever lost it for a decade. It’s only when Liberals try and be original that they fall apart at the seams.

As they moved down Elgin to the Conference Centre, Walter could see the most incredible sight. People walking slowly up the street towards Parliament Hill bearing flowers, greeting cards, even old record albums given Singer Marley’s love of 1960’s music. It was like some sort of Far Eastern, even farther than Cape Breton, funeral rite. A parade in parkas and ski jackets.

Of course, that had been Singer’s political ace in the hole. People liked him. That still counted for something in politics. And the man could belt out one hell of a rendition of O! Canada. He’d patterned his style after Roger Doucet, who sang the anthem for the Montreal Canadiens for years and years. Singer Marley didn’t have Doucet’s voice, Christ knows, but he did share the man’s enthusiasm for the piece. People could tell he truly loved this big, awkward country - either that or he was a better actor than Christopher Plummer. Because they liked him, they forgave him his mishandling of the budget or the time he was caught on a camera and microphone pointing  at David Cameron of the UK, and mumbling ‘he’s a bit of a turd.’ Marley had said he’d been pointing at the dessert at the state dinner table and what you were really hearing was our Prime Minister pointing at the pecan pie and stating, ‘We’ll have a bit or a third.’ Which made absolutely no sense, unless Marley was completely pissed and that’s scarcely an improvement.  But because they liked him, the people  forgave him.

The cab stopped half a block from the doors, as Walter had requested. As he stepped out of the cab door, his folders in arm and his hair casually tossed, he thought about how much fun things must have been back in the days when there were flashbulbs. Armfuls of tiny cameras the size of Bic lighters waved at his face was more weird than empowering. But yes ... yes it was still fun ...

even in a crisis, a man’s entitled to enjoy himself.

(iDo share with anyone you think might enjoy this odd little political novel aned I invi9te your comments.

Kamis, 01 Juli 2010

Politics For Joe - Chapter One

In a phrase that must have been pre-ordained from birth by a ferociously ironic Fate it came to be written that Prime Minister Marley was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.

They’d all been called of course, once Jenny Marley had discovered why her now-late husband seemed to be having a longer morning shower than usual. Had she needed to pee a little earlier, perhaps the Prime Minister might still be alive. Mind you, there’s no telling with heart attacks. There’s a good chance that Gordon ‘Singer’ Marley was dead by the time his forehead was cracked open by the protruding faucet in the Marriott Suite overlooking Harley Street in London - and so many doctors nearby! If not - well, the blow would have left him handily unconscious for whatever otherwise writing and agonized seconds would have remained to him before ... resigning office shall we say.

All of that having happened and all the rest about to happen in Ottawa, made the timing of the Prime Minister’s death in London terribly inconvenient for all concerned. Dying there at 7 meant the Governor-General heard at 2:15AM, the Chief of the Privy Council at 2:20, the Minister of External Affairs at 2:27, the Minister of Finance was rung at the same hotel, as was Ed Lauder of the PMO and so on and so on until it was the turn, at 3:08AM precisely, when the Secretary of State for National Unity watched his alarm clock flip over to that time, picked up his cell and found out that there was about to be a leadership race. Yes, the conclusion reached Walter Smith’s mind even before the now jobless Helen Worth’s words finished entering his ear. It was 3:08. it wasn’t going to be good news, now was it?
the romancing of the Canadian voter begins...


But 3:08 was an awful time to hear about an 8AM Cabinet Meeting that one really could not afford to be fashionable late in entering. No, it would be important to be seen as one of those rushing, slightly hunched figures with their collar turned up (not to hide the face though) and gripping in the crook of the right arm ... what? ... what to carry? Manila envelopes. Stuffed full. In folders. They would photograph nicely against his camel hair coat. Look! Work is so natural to the man it’s reflected in his clothing! Yes. The image must be established early. It would be important that people would know him almost before they knew his name. “Oh you’re the one who ... I know you!” Yes. Be familiar yet fresh. You only get one chance at a first impression. (How was Walter’s? Yes, I’m going to interrupt the story now and then but not too often. Walter does sound like a shit, doesn’t he? Don’t get turned off to soon. Trust me, he’s not all bad. He’s just a moderately successful politician - a junior Cabinet Minister. They’re the worst sort while they’re there. But - onwards.)

Walter knew it was perhaps not the ethically purest thing to be thinking about leadership races and how he’d look on CTV News Channel, rather than tearing up over the passing of his mentor, Singer Marley. Well, mentor in a way. Walter had delivered 54 critical delegates to him at the 2014 convention. Nothing to sneer at. And it’s not like being named the Secretary of State for National Unity was a major portfolio. Quebec had been quiet for decades - oddly, the Bloc Quebecois had destroyed separatism. Their success in playing deal-making politics during the run of minority Parliaments convinced Quebeckers that they could continue to punch above their weight so long as they kept sending the supposedly separatist party off to Ottawa.  So nobody gave a shit about national unity anymore. But it could have been worse. It could have been Natural Resources and Energy aka the Minister of Pollution. If you didn’t turn around global warming in a week you were a pin-striped bastard environmental Holocaust denying son of a bitch sheep who is in bed with Big Oil and Arabs because someone has pictures of you oiling up a big Arab sheep. Baaaaa!

Well, that eliminated Martin Martin from the running anyway. Plus he had a silly name. Plus nobody could ever remember if you pronounced his first name the English way and his second name the French way, or vice versa. Walter looked at himself in the shower mirror and realized that he wasn’t sure which way it went and they had sat more or less across from one another - Walter just slightly further down - at the Cabinet table for three years. Hmm. Imagine that.

Well, on to imagine other things. Walter was not about to start lathering himself up in the shower and find himself thinking about Martin Martin while handling his genitals. Er, his own genitals. Walter’s genitals.

Oh hell.

Now Walter’s mind was stuck on a bizarre image of Martin Martin prancing through a field of dandelions, naked in a sort of Porky Pig way tossing sprigs of wild flowers behind him.

He turned off the water and toweled off. This was going to be a hell of a day.

Walter chose a somber navy suit - nothing flash, although he would stick with the camel coat. Hell, it was December in Ottawa. He debated about what tie to choose. Was it too soon to wear black? Would red be too cheery? Red could be seen as inspirational too. Blue is ... well blue ties are for men who can’t make up their mind. Boring boring, Tory blue. He chose maroon - red with a passionate heart.

Before slipping on his black gloves and grabbing the folders and car keys he looked at himself one last time in the hall mirror. Yes, he looked good for 50 years old, and 50 was early prime time in political years. He drew one greying forelock over his right brow, for a bit of dash, winked one blue eye at himself and quoted from an old Bob Fosse movie ...

“It’s showtime folks.”


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