Oh, Jesus!

A fine Rock upon which to build a Church

(from Act One, scene one. Jesus turns to Simon Peter and says:)

Jesus: … and so Simon Peter -

Peter: You know, I've been telling you, you can just call me Peter.

Jesus: Why can't I call you Simon?

Peter: We already have one of those. It'd get confusing. It's hard enough already when you refer to John. Half the time we don't know if you mean John the Baptist or John the Apostle. Can't keep them straight.

John: (pipes in) Oh I'm straight!

Peter: Not the way I heard it.

Jesus: Look! Can I get a word in edgewise here? Hmm? Son of God here, about to make a pronouncement? About to be bloody betrayed by (points at Peter) – you! (everyone turns at once to stare at Peter)

Peter: What? What did I do? Look, you're not still all grudge-bearing about that time I snickered up my sleeve when you said you'd feed the multitudes with those loaves and fishes. I'm sorry. I've told you I'm sorry. I should have known you had a plan. And a brilliant plan it was. Not just any three fishes. Three two hundred pound sturgeon stuffed to the gills with caviar. Served on toast. Lovely picnic. Excellent wine.

Jesus: You! Will betray me!

Peter: Oh we're back to that, are we?

Jesus: And not just once!

Apostles: (other than Peter) Shock!

Jesus: Not just twice!

Apostles: Horror!

Jesus: But three times!

Apostles: (harmonize tightly) Ho-ly Shiiiiitttt.

Jesus: That's it. I'm making that a swear.

Apostles: Oh craaaaaappp.

Jesus: And that's borderline.

Peter: If I might interrupt choir practice for a moment, what do you mean I'm going to betray you? Haven't I been your loyal servant? Mending the fish nets? Rounding up the congregations? Shouting out like a carnival barker: "Jesus here! Christ here! Get your salvation here!" Eh? Haven't I?

Jesus: All totally true. But before dawn you're going to pretend you don't know me. I'll be as unknown to you as a Saturday night pick-up on Sunday morning.

Peter: (pause) Really?

Jesus: Oh yes. Nothing I can do about it either. Dad wrote the book, I just read the pages.

Peter: Oh. Well I'm knackered then. Doomed to an eternal hell-fire playing bridge with Hitler, Jack the Ripper and some other fellow who hasn't been born yet.

Jesus: Rupert Murdoch.

Peter: Rupert Murdoch? he's going to be as evil as Adolf Hitler?

Jesus: No, but it's going to scare the hell out of him - literally - when he sees this.

Peter: Ounce of prevention -

Jesus: - pound of cure. That's my motto.

John: (interrupts) I thought your motto was 'Do unto others', etcetera?

Jesus: That's for those cute little refrigerator magnets and crocheted quilts.

John: Oh.

Peter: Anyway, I suppose I'd better start running now, before a blast of lightning comes smashing through my spine.

Jesus: What?

Peter: Well, if I'm going to be betraying you, I rather doubt your Father's going to be particularly pleased with me. Just do me a favour, okay? Not in the face, okay? Please, not in the face.

Jesus: You -

Apostles: Pop culture alert!

Jesus: You big pussy! You're not going to be struck down by lightning! I'm making you the head of my church as First Pope.

Peter: What?

Jesus: Did I stutter? You, Simon Peter, are going to be the Rock upon which I shall build my church!

Peter: If you can smellllllllll -

Jesus: Wrong Rock. 

(this is the first excerpt of my new rock musical comedy - Oh, Jesus! - about the origins of the Catholic Church. For every 1,000 views I will post two more pages. So if you want to read more, share.   

... unless of course you're wealthy and just want to buy the thing. Up to you.

Hope you're not TOO offended. 

Cheers!

H)