So now it's Oprah's turn. I'm sure you've heard about Oprah Winfrey getting the Kitty Kelley expose bio treatment. You are after all a sentient human being and cultural earthquakes are hard to avoid. Now granted everything in the book is just an allegation by one writer, but on the other hand Kitty Kelley has never either lost a lawsuit or retracted a statement. And given that past targets have included Jackie Onassis, Frank Sinatra and the British Royal Family - none of whom were or are unfamiliar with civil litigation, if you bear in mind that facts can be twisted by interpretation and editing, one can probably believe the facts in the book.
I found the most interesting allegations to be just below the ones that have grabbed the headlines. I don't care nor should anyone else if Oprah is gay - although I would buy any magazine or newspaper that featured a review of Oprah's book by Mike Nichols. (If that is too obscure, Nichols is the multi-talented movie director who is the husband of Diane Sawyer, who Oprah was all hubbah hubbah about.) One wonders what became of the toe ring Oprah sent Sawyer and if ring was ever worn on toe.
But I found it much more interesting that Oprah had added octane to her biography. She did not grow up eating dirt after shaking it out of her clothes. Oprah grew up middle class. Well where's the fun in that? Actually I don't blame Oprah one bit about that one. The more I think of it, to this day, black celebrities who are accepted by white people have to have the hard scrabble backstory. Michael Jackson. Muhammad Ali. Bill Cosby. Every Blues performer you'd care to mention. It's almost an act of white Protestant good works to take a poor black person and elevate him or her as our act of contrition. Bless you. So if Oprah figured that one out and cashed in on it, good for her.
At some point I'm going to have to say that I'm not a particular fan of Oprah. I don't hate her talk show, but when her syndicated show wraps up in order for her to launch her own network, I don't think I'm going to be respecting a six day mourning period either. I just find her to be sincere to the point of insincerity and that's just not an energy which I enjoy watching.
But damn the woman can move a book. An Oprah endorsement is gigantic, but it all depends on her boobs. 'What?', you say? Oh yes, this is marvelous. Oprah's secret power to command her legions to go buy The Bridges of Madison County is based on secret energy waves from the mammaries.
In an under-reported excerpt from Kitty Kelley's book, if Oprah held a book on her lap, it would be on the bestseller list in two weeks. If she held it over her abdomen, one week. But if Oprah put a book next to or on to her breasts - instant nationwide best seller. You can retire now and work on your golf game. You're rich. Oprah's breasts say you're welcome.
Celebrity gossip is not a good thing and I've taken shows like TMZ to the woodshed in this column in the past. But somehow the whole Oprah story brightened my week. Hope you found it the same way. Be seeing you.
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