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How Alibris Saves Christmas

Inside Television 580
Publication Date: 11-25-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn

For: Thunder Bay Chronicle-Journal

I think that for all but one of the past eleven years I’ve given you some version of a Christmas Buying Guide - what to get for the television aficionado. What chives will enhance the life and flavour of the couch potato?

My notion for this year is to save you money. I know times are tough for you right now, or if they aren’t right now, you punch the pillow at night with worry that things are about to become tough. So let’s get real here.

First, things you don’t want to buy. You don’t want to buy a phone that will stream television programs. When you’re at home, you have your television. When you’re not at home, do whatever it is you left your home to do. If you’re in transit, read a book or listen to a radio. Done. I just saved you $400.

With that $400 you can do Christmas for your whole family. Don’t believe me? Let’s play along.

First, buy local. You say free trade, I say Chinese workers committing suicide by leaping off bridges after working 72 hour weeks. If you buy your cuddly scarves, lovely paintings and romantic jewelry from local crafts people a) you’re saving a ton of money and b) the money you’re spending is staying in your hometown. Also, think about how much smaller the carbon footprint is - the distance from an urban neighbourhood is a heck of a lot less than Asia to Ontario. You just gave a gift to the whole planet.

You still want some television enhancing gifts however. Here’s my secret. I don’t buy anything new. I like to give books (there’s a shock), movies and music and my favourite web site is alibris.com. I found it years ago, when I wanted a copy of old Bob and Ray scripts. Alibris sells both new and used and there’s something comforting about a used book; it’s like sharing a life. Speaking of lives, you’ll save a tree by buying used.

Let’s see if they still have those Bob and Ray shows. (type type type) Yes indeed they do. Hardcover - hardcover! - editions start at a buck fourteen. that’s cheaper than your large double double.

Maybe your daughter is like our Miss Amanda and she loves them singin’ kids on that there Glee show. What does Alibris have for Glee? (type type type) well you can get a four disc set of Season One starting at, yes, $1.14 or the whole first season for $10.35.

One of my favourite things to do at Alibris is to browse through rare and collectible books. I’ve always loved Groucho Marx and my favourite book of his is The Groucho Letters. I’ve given copies of it as gifts in the past. I could order a signed copy of Groucho’s selected letters for $373.72. Hmmmm....

There you go then. Buy a locally produced greeting card for $5, sign it over to the fam, $1.14 gifts for each of them and you treat you well. After all, they love you and want you to be happy right? Best of all, if you buy yourself your gift...you save them money! Everybody wins!

Be seeing you.

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Media Tackles Issues, Fumbles Ball

Inside Television 579
Publication Date: 11-18-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn

For: The Thunder Bay Chronicle-Journal

You may have noticed this on your own, but I’m a bit of a news junkie. After all, I’m a lover of fiction and where better to find imaginary plots and characters than in the daily headlines? Of course I would never say that everything you see or hear reported is a pack of lies, as it also comes packaged in single servings.

Here’s the first example from one of the most extraordinary news weeks in my memory. In the wee small hours of Tuesday morning, the NYPD raided Zuccotti Park, removed the Occupiers and tossed their belongings into dump trucks, including 5,554 books which tells me that someone was keeping records, just not very carefully. Journalists were kept away and those that were there were removed and/or arrested. Josh Harkinson from Mother Jones magazine tweeted that he was physically dragged across the ground. In the follow-up press conference at a more dignified hour on Tuesday, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg stated that journalists had been kept away in order to “protect” them. I doubt if between them George Orwell and Samuel Beckett could come up with a better line.

Big Media’s reaction to this and similar events in London Ontario, Toronto, Oakland and other cities has been exactly the sort of weak-kneed surrender that explains the ruinous state of newspaper circulation in North America and the decline in ratings of TV news. In passing, I note that CNN laid off 50 employees on Tuesday, mostly from the Washington DC bureau. This was four days after Employee Recognition Day. I see you. I admire you. I recognize you. Get the hell out.

The New York Times ran this on Wednesday, tepidly lending its stately approval to Bloomberg’s pre-dawn raid on the First Amendment. The Times said, “In New York and around the country, the news media had begun highlighting less savory aspects of the occupations, including drug use, crime and influxes of homeless people who were not motivated by ideology.” Homeless people don’t have an ideology? They’re tired of being homeless and want help! That is an ideology. I also invite you to note that qualifier, “the news media had begun highlighting”. Rather than guilt by association, the Times finds itself providing guilt by quotation.

Speaking of drug tests, can anyone offer me a good explanation as to why anyone is giving whack jobs like Rick “Ummm” Perry, or Herman “Obama helped the rebels right?” Cain any serious attention at all? When exactly did democracy become dumbocracy? Oh right. It was when Ronald Reagan was elected.

Not that other sections of the paper or newscast were exempt from the action. Take for instance the sad, miserable case of official negligence and abuse that comprises the Penn State rape scandal. Sports reporters were forced to think and that can lead to some very, very bad moments. Here’s what ESPN (I don’t know exactly who it was) asked at a press conference when the scandal broke: “How do you think this will affect recruiting?”

If at some time someone makes a movie out of this - and they will - I want the Sports Information guy at Penn State played by Jack Nicholson, just to hear that cynical, gravelly voice reply to ESPN, “Well Bob, the consensus in the room is that it’s probably not gonna be helpful.” 

Next question?

To end on a high note, for hope still lives and that gives the rest of us a reason to also live, I do have kudos for two great journalists. On Countdown, Keith Olbermann took apart Bloomberg with a masterful piece of rhetoric. And on TSN’s Off the Record, Michael Landsberg did a wonderful interview with abuse survivor Theo Fleury that concentrated on, guess what?, not the damn football team but on the kids. It was coincidental - repeat, coincidental, that Fleury is a retired first-class athlete.

One last thing. Occupy Thunder Bay meets this Sunday from 1-3PM at City Hall. They’ve asked me to say a few words and I’m honoured to do so. I may try not to offend, but with any luck I will. Be seeing you.

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Karena itu

The Last Picture Show?

Inside Television 578
Publication date: 11-11-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn


Just to classy up the joint a bit, let’s start with a limerick tweeted in three parts by Salman Rushdie:

The marriage of poor Kim Kardashian
Was krushed like a kar in a krashian
Her Kris kried, ‘Not fair! Why kan’t I keep my share?’
But Kardashian fell klean outa fashian.

So it’s not just me who found the whole Kardashian-Humphries marriage and divorce an outrageous scam that even made the zoned-out public scream (or at least mutter) in outrage at having been taken for a public relations ride; one of the most brilliant men in modern literature commented on it. It’s always nice to know that one’s opinions are shared by the right sort of circles. Enough said about that however.

I’m reading a wonderful book just now. If you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gift for a movie buff, do pick up ‘Pauline Kael: A Life in the Dark.’ Kael was the lead movie critic for The New Yorker for 20 years, she could write with savage wit laced with passion and as much vulgarity as she could sneak past editor William Shawn. Here’s a bit of her writing, about the movies of the 1930s:

“(The best comedies of the time) suggested an element of lunacy and confusion in the world; the heroes and heroines rolled with the punches and laughed at disasters. Love became slightly surreal; it became stylized - lovers talked back to each other, and fast. Comedy became the new romance, and trading wisecracks was the new courtship rite. The cheerful, washed-out heroes and heroines had abandoned sanity; they were a little crazy, and that’s what they liked in each other. They were like the wisecracking soldiers in service comedies: if you were swapping quips, you were alive - you hadn’t gone under.”

Needless (albeit depressing) to say, they don’t write ‘em like that any more; either reviews or movies themselves. The grounding of comedy in reality while expressing it in words that the audience wishes it was smart enough to think of itself is a lost art. Damn it. This is why I think I rather shocked a friend of mine when we were chatting a week or two ago when I came out with the statement, ‘I don’t like movies.’ 

Good seats still available for '72 Skidoo - The Kim Kardashian Story'

Of course it’s shocking. Nobody ever says they don’t like movies. It’s the cultural equivalent of telling Mom her apple pie is crap, or feeding Mickey Mouse strychnine poisoned cheese. I’m starting to suspect I’m not alone in this. Box office receipts are still just fine, so there is no evidence in those numbers. So long as 16 year old boys need a dark space in which to glom a hand on a 15 year old breast there will always be vibrant movie theatres. No, I’m reading between the lines of a little news story that emerged from movie critic Roger Ebert’s blog on Sunday.

At the Movies will be canceled at the end of this calendar year unless someone agrees to fund it. Ebert and his wife Chazz have been paying for its production out of pocket and television doesn’t come cheap - although I can’t imagine a cheaper show to produce than two people in chairs watching and discussing clips provided free by the studios. What does that tell you? Sponsors with their massive research departments are being told that people in the key demographics don’t care enough about movies to want to watch a show about them, even though At the Movies is still one of the highest-rated shows on PBS.

You need to learn to read tea leaves in this business and the signs for the movie industry are not good. Now if someone made a smart comedy maybe …

Be seeing you.

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My Speech for Occupy Thunder Bay

Politics for Joe
November 7, 2011
By: Hubert O’Hearn
For: Lake Superior News


A Speech for Occupy Thunder Bay

(I’ve received a very kind invitation through Facebook to say a few words at the Occupy Thunder Bay event scheduled for 3-6PM Sunday, November 20th at Thunder Bay City Hall. While I’m open to sudden inspiration carrying me away from the script, this is what I’m planning on saying...)

I hope you’ll forgive me if I admit to being a bit nervous about this. It’s been several years since I’ve spoken from a stage of any kind, and more years than that since I’ve done a political speech for my own voice. When I’ve written speeches they’ve mostly been for candidates who go on to lose the election. So now that I’ve admitted to being a nervous hack of dubious merit, thank you for allowing me to share my evident lack of expertise.

First, I want you to give yourselves a big hug. I mean it. Give the person next to you a hug, unless they have a drippy cold; then give the person next to you a Kleenex. I’ll wait.

There now. Did you know that according to whomever got a big grant to study this sidebar of psychology that the average person needs eight hugs a day for their emotional well-being? We do. We crave contact. We need contact. It’s written into us by whatever Creator, genetic mutation or happy old man who lives on a cloud invented human beings. So you’ve already accomplished something today. You’ve met 12.5% of someone’s daily needs. Congratulations.

And that is really what I want to talk to you about; what I want to talk with you about - hugs and needs. When I was invited to say a few words today about whatever issue I chose - and I can’t overly stress the honour and pride I felt at that moment - that clearly gave me a pretty broad range of topics. I started first by making a mental list of all the things, all the issues, all the government policies and private interests I had focused on in my political writing and book reviewing. It was a mental list because actually writing it down would have felt much too much like work. Organization is for sissies.

Here though is the list as I recall it:

The double or even triple standards of health care in Canada with our glorious publicly funded system which works great if you live in a city with the specialists and testing you need.

The anti-environmental interests that batter and bruise our planet because who gives a damn about tomorrow when I can drive two blocks today?

The selling of our universities as publicly funded research divisions of multi-national corporations while the Humanities - those subjects that teach people to think not what to think - dwindle and crumble because there’s no money in philosophy baby.

That we go to war for oil. That we go to war for money. That we go to war period. We used to fight for democracy. Now we fight in spite of it.

That we have allowed to spawn and breed a plutocracy so wealthy that if one of the multi-billionaires dropped a thousand dollar bill on the ground he would make more than that in the seconds it would take for him to bend over and pick it up.

That a corporate Satan like Goldman-Sachs is allowed to even exist after causing the financial crises in the U.S. and Europe by selling financial snake oil.

There would have been even more to the list but I had to stop there because thinking about these things was making me angry and angrier and angrier and I was about ready to start turning into Hulk Hogan, ripping my shirt open, popping my muscles, shaking my arms, pointing a finger and saying, ‘YOU! Don’t. Do. That.’

And I was so angry that I was ready to invigorate, agitate, instigate and turn us all into reprobates because something, someone, some place was going to go down brother! Watch us take these chains wrapped around our slave necks, rip them off and put them on our fists.

And I was so angry then because I realized...

...that’s just what they want. They want us so pissed off they can lock us up and throw away the key. Because they rule with fear, they want us angry so we can feed the fear.

It’s like that silly old Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk and the Enterprise are fighting the Klingons in the hallways and corridors and there’s this weird little light monster - man they had a lousy special effects budget - but the little light monster kept getting stronger and stronger as the humans and Klingons got madder and madder. Until finally Captain Kirk...or maybe it was Spock. Yeah, this sounds more like a Vulcan thing. Anyway, they notice this and that the only way to beat this monster was to put down the swords and bat’leths (I am a geek in case you hadn’t noticed) and give that mangy old Klingon who smelled like five weeks of bad B.O. and unchanged underwear and give him a HUG!

So there’s our slogan! ‘Defeat Wall Street! Hug a Klingon Today!’ 

Resemblance to Occupy antagonist
Kevin O'Leary is purely coincidental...
eerie, but coincidental

And I’m only half-kidding. Brothers, sisters and a bunch of people I haven’t met, although Dad did get around...I love this Movement. Occupy is the best thing that has happened in world history in my lifetime. Think about it. Think about it. We went to the moon in 1969 and that was great but what did we get? Couple of baskets of rocks and a bunch of bad science fiction. We developed computers so people can be buried in so much information they’ll never have time to process it and do anything with it. We developed cell phones so that the bank can get a hold of you any time, anywhere to tell you they’re foreclosing on your house.

No, Occupy is the best thing that has happened because it offers the other thing that people need every day besides hugs. It offers hope. We need hope. Hope is our basic need. Hope trumps air and water. Without hope, that essential dumb little belief that today might be just a teensy bit better than yesterday, or if today blows chunks, there’s always tomorrow - without that, why breathe? Seriously. Why the hell would you be bothered to inhale?

We have problems. We have eight times eight jillion problems. Yet the beautiful thing is that we have solutions to every one of them. Every one. Read Chris Turner’s book The Leap. There’s a solution on every page. Read anything Bill Mckibben has written about the environment or Chris Hedges has written about government, war or finance. Solutions on every page.

The only way it happens though is - Warning! Tree-hugging, granola eating, bunny-loving hippe alert! - the only way it happens is with Love.

Anger destroys. Love creates. Anger is despair. Love is hope. Anger shuts the door. Love opens a window. People will listen to Love. And if you know your facts, know your story, believe in your hearts that we will have a better, more beautiful world; then you can reach past the mockery, the fear, the anger, the greed, the crass stupidity that will drop a tree across your path every day … if you keep speaking calmly and with Love …

… then it really will be like what The Beatles sang in Revolution. ‘Don’t you know it’s gonna be all right?’

God love you. I love you. And YOU love you.

If you smell what Occupy is cooking.

Be seeing you.

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Kim Kardashian and a Real Bum Deal

Inside Television 577
Publication Date: 11-4-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn

Kim Kardashian and a Really Bum Deal


For a profession that is usually described in print as being that of lonely men sitting on hard wooden chairs in undecorated rooms, chain-smoking Camels while tearing words out from their pain-riddled souls - this writing life is actually rather fun. In a 24 hour period I’ve turned out for various media outlets another piece on the Occupy Movement (by the way, Occupy Thunder Bay, coming to a City Hall near you on November 20th), a spiritually lifting interview with the director of a School for Autistic Children in New York, and now let’s talk about an enormous and enormously expensive piece of (Snip! - editor). 

Wow...That really IS a huge (Snip!)

Generally speaking, I avoid the discussion of reality TV and its monochromatic stars the way medieval Venetians avoided plague-besotted rats. Even the Hollywood Walk of Fame with its hand, foot and breast imprints draws a line refusing entry to the momentary burps of celebrity accorded to Survivor contestants, among others. And it is scarcely as difficult to get on the sidewalks of Hollywood and Vine as it is to get into Harvard Medical School. Certainly not to besmirch anyone’s career - I applaud anyone who makes a living out of entertainment - but was Caroll Baker ever really a big star? I mean a really big star? (I’m talking about the actress, not the country singer, and your confusion proves my point.)

So if rectangular slabs of paving stone have their standards, why doesn’t television? Specifically, why has the E! network become the Kardashians’ personal YouTube channel when the Walk of Fame won’t let Kim Kardsahian squeeze her giant (Snip!) into wet concrete? Or if her (Snip!) is too big for a sidewalk square, why not her (Snip! Snip!)?

The answer of course is that the audience has no standards. We are plonking fools who exist as extras in the media production who laugh when we’re told to, cry on cue, and accept that what Big Media tells us is worth our attention actually is.

Let’s look at why Kim Kardashian and her two lesser satellite sisters have done to earn their fame. Well let’s see: their mother Kris used to be married to Robert Kardashian, erstwhile best-friend of currently incarcerated former Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson. So a loose association with celebrity, crime and athletics. That will get you in the door of a studio. Kris then married Bruce Jenner, winner of the decathlon at Montreal’s 1976 Olympics, and former flag-waver on the Wheaties cereal box. More athletics, proof of marketability - well now, that alone has to be worth a year of study at Julliard.

Oh look here, they haven’t done a damn thing and now there’s a (cough) book (cough) out supposedly authored by the three sisters that I do not have on order for review. All of which leads to the epic triumph of publicity that was the end of Kim Kardashian’s 72 day marriage to NBA splinter-gatherer Kris Humphries. Shock! Horror! Wait for the sequel! ‘Kim Kardashian: Picking up the Pieces’. After all, the rumoured number (denied by Kris Jenner) is that Kim earned a spiffy $18 million for her televised nuptials. How much will a renewed relationship with Reggie Bush be worth? Or an affair with Kobe Bryant? Or let’s really get juicy and have her explore her sexuality with Lindsay Lohan?

The sky’s the limit and so are the depths. Be seeing you. (Snip!)

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