Inside Television 570
Publication date: 9-16-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn
He’s tanned. He’s rested. He’s ready. He’s got skintight t-shirts by the dozen. For curiousity’s sake, does anyone remember who the phrase ‘He’s tanned. He’s rested. He’s ready.’, was first applied to? It was Richard Nixon leading into the 1968 Republican primaries. I doubt if Nixon owned any skintight t-shirts.
But Simon Cowell sure does! Forgive the exclamation mark - I know they’re the punctuative equivalent of sneaking up behind a man taking his first sip of hot coffee and shouting Boo! - but we’re supposed to be excited! The X Factor is coming to America! (‘Oh, and Canada too, please’, CTV politely reminds in a polite voice with a little polite tap on the shoulder.) Surely now we have proof that … Jesus loves us! Simon Cowell is back!
OK, did I hype the enthusiasm enough? The export of the British smash hit The X Factor - basically another American Idol (and Brit import) singing contest except The X Factor also has groups and - how shall we put this - older and rather lump-shaped people. If it doesn’t average 30 million viewers a week in the U.S. and the equivalent 3 million in Canada, I will go to your home, serenade your family with the best arias from La Traviata, and tell you all my odd theatre stories at great length. (There, now that’s a bet no one is ever going to take up. I may gamble with this prediction, but I’m not a donkey either.)
Seriously, it’s built to be a smash hit. Smash hits on television are old and familiar forms presented as somehow something new and fresh. This by the way is why non-animated US sitcoms are virtually dead today. No one - no one - is doing anything fresh with the genre. Why no one has been able to strap together a new, large ensemble comedy show (passim Mary Tyler Moore, Taxi, Cheers, even the six Friends were actually quite a large group to work) is absolutely beyond me. Instead TV just hires Jim Belushi to fill air and say jokes that weren’t fresh when first presented in 1972. And I’m sure he’s a lovely man and I take my hat off to anyone who manages to get a good run in this industry.
But The X Factor virtually comes with a yellow label stuck to its side: ‘Guaranteed to be Nostalgia Fresh!’ The Idol format of audition/elimination/champion is a decade long now in North America and that qualifies it as old. You have Simon Cowell, who was incredibly cagey in sitting out last season’s Idol and this actually make people miss him, and the return of the joyful, happy shiny world that is the mind of Paula Abdul. I hated Paula’s own show, to the point where I don’t want to look up its name again, because that would just bring back horrible, sweat-drenched memories. But! (sorry, another exclamation mark) She is a perfect Second Banana; something upon which one occasionally slips. Rounding out the panel. The other judges are songwriter and producer L.A. Reid in the part of Not Randy Jackson, and Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls playing Not Cheryl Cole.
Publication date: 9-16-11
By: Hubert O’Hearn
He’s tanned. He’s rested. He’s ready. He’s got skintight t-shirts by the dozen. For curiousity’s sake, does anyone remember who the phrase ‘He’s tanned. He’s rested. He’s ready.’, was first applied to? It was Richard Nixon leading into the 1968 Republican primaries. I doubt if Nixon owned any skintight t-shirts.
But Simon Cowell sure does! Forgive the exclamation mark - I know they’re the punctuative equivalent of sneaking up behind a man taking his first sip of hot coffee and shouting Boo! - but we’re supposed to be excited! The X Factor is coming to America! (‘Oh, and Canada too, please’, CTV politely reminds in a polite voice with a little polite tap on the shoulder.) Surely now we have proof that … Jesus loves us! Simon Cowell is back!
OK, did I hype the enthusiasm enough? The export of the British smash hit The X Factor - basically another American Idol (and Brit import) singing contest except The X Factor also has groups and - how shall we put this - older and rather lump-shaped people. If it doesn’t average 30 million viewers a week in the U.S. and the equivalent 3 million in Canada, I will go to your home, serenade your family with the best arias from La Traviata, and tell you all my odd theatre stories at great length. (There, now that’s a bet no one is ever going to take up. I may gamble with this prediction, but I’m not a donkey either.)
Seriously, it’s built to be a smash hit. Smash hits on television are old and familiar forms presented as somehow something new and fresh. This by the way is why non-animated US sitcoms are virtually dead today. No one - no one - is doing anything fresh with the genre. Why no one has been able to strap together a new, large ensemble comedy show (passim Mary Tyler Moore, Taxi, Cheers, even the six Friends were actually quite a large group to work) is absolutely beyond me. Instead TV just hires Jim Belushi to fill air and say jokes that weren’t fresh when first presented in 1972. And I’m sure he’s a lovely man and I take my hat off to anyone who manages to get a good run in this industry.
But The X Factor virtually comes with a yellow label stuck to its side: ‘Guaranteed to be Nostalgia Fresh!’ The Idol format of audition/elimination/champion is a decade long now in North America and that qualifies it as old. You have Simon Cowell, who was incredibly cagey in sitting out last season’s Idol and this actually make people miss him, and the return of the joyful, happy shiny world that is the mind of Paula Abdul. I hated Paula’s own show, to the point where I don’t want to look up its name again, because that would just bring back horrible, sweat-drenched memories. But! (sorry, another exclamation mark) She is a perfect Second Banana; something upon which one occasionally slips. Rounding out the panel. The other judges are songwriter and producer L.A. Reid in the part of Not Randy Jackson, and Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls playing Not Cheryl Cole.
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| Cheryl Cole - Hey There Geordie Girl! |
Who’s Cheryl Cole, you ask? That caused quite a stir in the UK. Cheryl had been a judge on the original UK version of The X Factor, as well as a beloved figure as both a member of Girls Aloud (Spice Girls whose fame never crossed the ocean) and the ex-wife of the not-well-loved footballer Ashley Cole. It was that rare thing: a divorce that a nation cheered. Cheryl’s popularity soared like Jennifer Aniston in a nun’s habit. So Cowell, who owns the show, was originally going to bring Cole over to the U.S. as Not Kara DioGuardi, but changed his mind quite late on. This crushed Cheryl’s pride to the point that she took Ashley back. A nation mourns. Simon Cowell is a melodrama villain; a species I have some knowledge of.
But there was one, rather large problem. Cheryl is a Geordie - from Newcastle. Geordies have a rather broad accent. I borrow this wonderful bit from The Guardian written by Mark Oliver from a story called How to Talk Reet Proper Geordie, like Our Cheryl - a handy guide. He translates Geordie into standard Berlitz English. Here’s one:
Yer's alreet on the sleur ones, but whatzza racket am I hearing noo, man? My advice is to concentrate on ballads
So Simon may have had a point. By the way, I looked up Simon’s career as an A&R guy in Britain. Essentially an A&R is like a sports general manager - seek out talent, sign it and assign it to producers etc. The record isn’t that great (pun shriekingly intended and wrapped in ribbons). He was good at making money, but of the groups he signed only Westlife had or has a reasonably long career and he also produced those WWE Superstars Sing albums. Have you heard those albums? I’ve heard those albums. I would be ashamed to use them as coasters.
In any event, we can look forward to months of: Ugly People who can actually do Something Well; Ridiculous People who somehow get past the screeners so we can see the weak flayed alive; Family Members weeping, hugging, cheering all at once; and of course...a proud American hometown where the men have firm chins and the values are strong. Amen.
Be seeing you.
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