Shuffle Up and Deal, Canadian Style

The Premier enters the game wearing his lucky hat

I’ve been developing an interesting little gallery for our dining room. As Sunday readers know, I have been reviewing books in addition to discussing the television industry on Fridays. Thus we cover the spread from the ridiculous (Friday) to the sublime (Sunday).

So on a whim, I started asking the authors of the books I really love to send two words - any two words - on paper over their signatures. Then the result is framed and displayed. It’ll be a nice bit of something for the heirs to squabble over. I’m looking at one right now from Vicky Coren, the professional poker player, television presenter and proper journalist for The Guardian - the world’s greatest newspaper in case I haven’t mentioned that before, which I have.

In Vicky’s book, For Richer for Poorer, she talks about how the poker pros never, ever thought that on-line gaming would take off ... until of course it did. Suddenly shadowy figures who lived in hotel rooms and went by nicknames like Texas Dolly (Doyle Brunson), The Poker Brat (Phil Hellmuth), Kid Poker (Danny Negreanu) or Huck Seed (Huck Seed - no really) found themselves courted by the on-line sites like PokerStars, UltimateBet and so forth seeking their endorsement. The television explosion followed - essentially infomercials for the sites seeking to relieve members of unwanted wallet fat.

Always one to spot a trend years after it occurs, we now see that the provinces of Bee Cee and Ontario want their taste, their slice, their house vigorish, their piece of the action. In 2012, Mister and Mrs. Ontario will be able to ruin their retirement savings by looking at Jack-Seven in the hole and hitting the All-In button. ‘Honey, I was feeling it! ...’

Serious commentators have and will say serious things about the repugnant nature of this decision. I’ll leave it up to them. As for myself, a little television fantasy will do.

The Premier’s salary is about $200,00 and a Cabinet Minister’s is about $165,000. Gentlemen, I think we’ve established the stakes. I would like to suggest a little televised game to properly launch this wonderful, upcoming tax grab (Surely, ‘necessary revenue opportunity’? - Ed.). The players? Nine in total. The government will put up three: The Premier, the Minister of Finance and a third Cabinet Member to be named at the Premier’s discretion. They will each put up one year’s salary. All of it. If they lose - well, welcome to the outcome of your policy decision. If they win- I’ll get to that.

Three pros: I suggest Negreanu, who is Canadian, Hellmuth who has won more World Series of poker bracelets than anyone, and the stolid, black-hatted figure of Chris ‘Jesus’ Ferguson. I include Ferguson just so we can see the scene of Premier Dalton McGuinty explaining the wisdom of on-line gambling to a man named Jesus - who will have nothing to say in return. The three pros will put up their own money in this cash game.

The final three players will be the three poorest people in Ontario, who the province will stake to $150,000 each. They and they alone can walk away from the table any time. For everyone else, it’s straight knockout, winner take all baby because that’s how capitalism works sweetheart.

In the unlikely event one of the politicians win, they have to keep the money. Yes, they have to keep the money and spend it on the biggest, gaudiest, most wasteful piece of grotesque statuary they can find and sit it on their front lawn. It will be their own Stanley Cup, and serve as a visual reminder to passers-by that this is where their money lives.

I’m sure Vicky would love to fly over to host the event. And it will have the biggest ratings since the old Wintario draws. Surely no one in Queen’s Park could object? Leadership is leadership by example after all. Be seeing you.